Perfectionism may be the death of us…

Oh boy. This is a big one. Those close to me know that I’ve recently fell into a severe depressive episode or “flare up” (because it is a chronic illness). And quite honestly while it’s a bit more complex than I’ll share in here, it was essentially because I was holding myself to a standard that was highly unattainable. My mind had me calculating every single task I did and whether I did it good enough down to brushing my teeth. (Ridiculous I know). I would (and still do) get so overwhelmed and then I would just completely shut down. Several factors are at play in my situation but I realized that the idea of perfectionism was slowly killing my physical, mental, and emotional health.

This past week I’ve started to listen to podcasts while I work. I’ve found some ones that really giving me perspective and peace. One of them is by Dr. Chatterjee called “Feel Better Live More.” I do recommend for everyone.

The greatest gift you can give anyone is your own healing and growth. 🌿

Devil’s Punchbowl, California

Let’s talk about capacity…

I’m very open about the fact that we have been in family therapy since August of 2021. We have a wonderful therapist that works so well for our family. She always seems to just “get it.”

Well not too long ago we were talking about how depression affected me and my family. It was eye opening to see what my family felt about it. It was even more so when I told our therapist that if I weren’t lazy I’d be able to do x y and z. She said, “no Sam, you aren’t lazy. You don’t have the capacity to complete tasks.” She then proposed to me that perhaps when I don’t have the capacity that I rely more on my family. Which interestingly enough that is what my family wanted too, rather than shutting down and letting depression overcome me. They want to be there for me and to help me. Guess why? Because they LOVE me! 🤯

As we moved forward I was learning to say things like, “I don’t have the capacity to do this, can you do this for me?” To my family. It’s amazing how something so simple was able to help our family communication.

There will be times in all of our lives where we simply don’t have the capacity to deal with or do something. And that’s okay. We’d be robots if we did. Hell even the internet lags when it’s overloaded. But the healthy way to handle our lack of capacity is to communicate that to those who are important to us. It may be a friendship or a relationship or even a profession that we are lagging in. It is absolutely okay to take a step back and say, “I don’t have the capacity for this.”

A time when I had the capacity to handle the day and a time when I did not.

Sunny days ahead…

You know I’m going to say it…

Seasonal depression. It’s a real thing. And I always forget how much this can affect me and so many other people.

The past 2 days I have had an overwhelming feeling of sadness and exhaustion. I overall just felt “down.” My body didn’t feel exceptionally tired but all I wanted to do was close my eyes. There was no incident or event in particular that contributed to these feelings. I just felt it. To my core.

And so that is what I did. I felt it. Accepted that I was feeling that way. My wonderful husband gave me space to feel that way and he didn’t try to “fix” me. He is a fixer by nature and sometimes that is difficult for him to not do. I think me accepting what I was feeling and him accepting that I was feeling that way helped to move it along so to speak.

This morning it was easier to wake up. I actually “felt” lighter. My heart and mind weren’t as heavy. Am I completely better? Hell no. But I know there are brighter days ahead…

Sunny days ahead